America suffered through a bitter presidential election on the road to a globewrecking financial crisis.
In theaters, cinematic generations were rising — and falling.
Superheroes, Will Smith, George Lucas, Guillermo del Toro, Emma Stone, Mike Myers, fan Taylor Swift assembled a cast of hashtags for her “Bad Blood” music video, a parade of insta-models and millennial multihyphenates and the Delevingnes of yesteryear.
The event of the video, of course, was the climactic appearance of Hargitay herself, alongside fellow broadcast empress Ellen Pompeo — and Hargitay got the best alter ego, “Justice,” short, descriptive, accurate. He stars as Guru Pitka, a new age-y self-helper living a charmed life in glorious cameo-strewn Hollywood.
Just a few years later, “Bad Blood” already feels ancient, a distant epoch when everything was #squadsomething. The plot of the film — sorry, the “plot” of the “film” — is that he’s got to fly up to Toronto to help the Maple Leafs’ star Darren (Romany Malco) get his mojo back.
Hard to explain why, it involves mommy issues and Justin Timberlake’s giant, errr, hockey stick.
Now, no movie that features a main character named Darren can ever be completely terrible.
Except for this movie, which becomes a misery carnival of gags that a fifth grader would describe as “immature.” The humor depends on the viewer assuming that everyone on screen is an alien who learned about human emotions from close study of that formless manthing from the IKEA instructions. One of the several horrible running jokes is that Guru Pitka uses the name “Mariska Hargitay” as an all-purpose phrase — greeting, farewell, thanks, space-filler.
Myers is doing a couple different accents, John Lennon by way of something racist, and at certain points falls back on the kind of prop work that first-week improv students love. He greets the celebrity cameos thus: “ And there’s Jessica Alba as the Maple Leafs owner, giving arguably the toughest performance of her career as the person who has to almost-convincingly laugh at Myers’ jokes.
Someone hands him a corn dog: “Is it made from dog? It’s a kind of trope of decadent stardom, that moment when you can get anyone on screen for a few moments at a time. Looking happy to be here, honored, scared, disappointed, but above all, like someone who knows she’s got better things to do. The best will shine bright in the night sky long after our civilization is forgotten.
Myers could never have a lineup like this again, just like it’s hard to imagine Taylor Swift circa 2018 reassembling the “Bad Blood” cast (which included, hey, Jessica Alba!
Andere Kinder kommen in den Kindergarten, Guru Pitka (Mike Myers) wurde als kleiner Junge vor das Eingangsportal eines indischen Aschrams gesetzt, bei dem er bleiben sollte.